


Difficult to Say, Easy to Understand

by lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)



Series: retrouvaille [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Character, Getting Together, M/M, Making Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 07:13:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11573028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: "What are you talking about? I'm kind of concerned.""I love you. I've loved you for a while now, and I know you're asexual and that I talk about sex a lot, but I wanted to tell you that I don't need to have sex with you to love you. I would love you no matter what. I do love you no matter what.""John, oh my god."* can be read as a one shot!!





	Difficult to Say, Easy to Understand

Hercules watched John's snapchat story with a sinking feeling in his chest and denial at the fact that he was jealous. He shouldn't be, he knew that Alex and John weren't fucking anymore, that Alex had Lafayette and that he would rather die than cheat on them, but it still bothered him. He didn't have any plans that day, told John so when he asked earlier, so maybe he was just upset that John didn't invite him.  
  
"This bitch," John whispered to the camera, zooming in on Alex, "keeps talking to his fucking signif instead of paying attention to _me_ , the kind soul who has given him _all_ of my popcorn and also _introduced_ him to said signif."  
  
Alex looked up finally, Lafayette still talking on his phone. He yelled, laughing, "at least I _have_ a signif, instead of you, who ref-" John screamed to interrupt him and the video ended.  
  
The next one was of Alex dancing on John's coffee table, Lafayette yelling encouragements on facetime while John said nothing, ' _I need better friends'_ was the caption, and Hercules grumbled to himself. Even Lafayette was invited, three thousand miles away.

Hercules liked to think that John and him were close, perhaps not as close as him and Alex were, but close. John came over his apartment and they'd spend hours laying in his bed talking about nothing, and Hercules liked to think that meant something, liked to think that he fell in love with John for a reason, and not just because he was _there_.

Hell, maybe it was because John was there, in his own way. He liked spending time with Hercules, and despite how loud John usually was, he respected Hercules' own quietness and let them both just exist for a while, no urgency or wish to be somewhere else. He was always there when Hercules needed him, and they were friends because of it. In turn, Hercules was there for John, whether he was relapsing into thinking about Alex or if he just wanted someone to talk to. It was nice, their friendship, and Hercules loved John more than he could ever say.  
  
It was stupid, John would never fall for someone like him. Hercules liked quiet spaces and light rooms, didn't like drinking, hated sex even more. John liked loud parties, strong alcohol, and men who could make him weak at the knees with a look in his direction. He liked one night stands and not getting attached and he dreamed of finding a stable relationship but he didn't _want_ one at this stage in his life.  
  
"Really? You don't want to find the love of your life? Someone that, when you look at them, makes your heart flip over?"  
  
John swallowed, moved his hand from the bed to fold them on his stomach. "I mean, sure, yeah, but not _now_ , y'know? I'd want to, like, wait until the timing was right and I got all my shit together." He sighed and covered his blushing face with his hands.  
  
"That's fair," Hercules whispered, choked. If his heart broke a little as he said it, that was nothing John needed to know.  
  
Hercules tried to distract himself for the rest of the night, made homemade fettuccine alfredo, ate dinner and started watching the final season of _The Vampire Diaries_ again. It was the one show he would never openly admit to watching, because it's not good, but he loved it. Maybe John would like it, and he was reaching for his phone before he even thought about the consequences.  
  
A video of Alex wiping tears out of his eyes, Lafayette nowhere to be heard.  
  
"Why are you crying?" John asked, amused.  
  
"God fucking hates me and made Lafayette live in a place where it's six hours ahead of New York at all times. They're in bed now and I'm happy they're resting, but I miss them so much I might explode."  
  
The camera flipped so it was John's face, and Hercules' heart jumped. "I hate him."  
  
"I can't help that I love them, okay!" He called and John snorted.  
  
The next one was another video, but Alex had the phone. John laid on the floor in front of him, babbling about something, but Alex drowned him out by whispering, "John is going to kill me for this later, but now he's babbling about his crush and it's the funniest fucking thing."  
  
"He's just so? Beautiful? I love him?"  
  
The next video picked up where the last one left off, John continuing. "He definitely doesn't love me back though, I mean, he's so fucking perfect and I'm not _close_ to that. I just, wanna fucking kiss him, like all the time, y'know?"  
  
"I get it."  
  
"Fuck, what am I going to do?"  
  
"Tell him! Tell him now!"  
  
"Do you have my phone?" John asked, looking up at him.  
  
"No?" John leaped at him and Alex screamed, and then the videos ended. Hercules laughed despite how much it made him want to cry, then refreshed the page to see if he put anything else on his story, only to see that the videos had been deleted altogether.  
  
**_john!!!_ ** _: IGNORE MY SNAPCHAT STORY. IM SENDING THIS TO EVERYONE WHO'S SEEN IT!! DISREGARD EVERYTHING YOU HEARD I NEVER HAD, HAVE, OR WILL HAVE EMOTIONS_ __  
__  
**_hercules!!!_ ** _: you're defeating the purpose_ __  
__  
**_john!!!_ ** _: FUCK_ __  
__  
**_hercules!!!_ ** _: it was funny though_ __  
__  
**_hercules!!!_ ** _: also should I be hurt that you didn't tell me about this crush??_ __  
__  
Sometimes Hercules thought about what he said, other times he texted John.  
  
**_john!!!_ ** _: uh no_ __  
__  
**_john!!!_ ** _: btw I'm sorry I didn't invite you here tonight, Alex came over with Drinks™ and I know that you !! don't drink so_ __  
__  
**_hercules!!!_ ** _: thank you for caring and also it's fine_ __  
__  
**_john!!!_ ** _: you could come over tomorrow!! if you wanted!! alex is planning to stay at his all day and, as he described it, ""have a /personal/ conversation with lafayette""_ __  
__  
**_john!!!_ ** _: have I mentioned I hate them_ __  
__  
**_hercules!!!_ ** _: that's disgusting but yeah!! I'd love to come over tomorrow_ __  
__  
**_hercules!!!_ ** _: I'll bring lunch_ __  
__  
**_john!!!_ ** _: my savior_ __  
__  
Hercules set his phone down and continued eating. Somebody was getting killed on screen, but he couldn't find it in him to be concerned. He got to see John tomorrow, and that made this night immensely better that whoever was dead now in this episode's.  
  
He left his house around noon, after checking his appearance in the mirror for twenty minutes. He didn't know why he was so nervous, it was just going to spend time with John, the person he was in love with and kind of wanted to be with for the rest of his life. Okay, so maybe he did understand why he was so nervous, but still, it was supposed to be a casual thing, he shouldn't be making a big deal of it.  
  
John opened the door to his apartment before Hercules even had the chance to knock. He had on one of the shirts that he wore when Hercules dragged him to the gym with him, giving Hercules a view to the galaxy's worth of freckles that he was covered in. He was so beautiful, Hercules could write poetry about it.  
  
"Hi, Hercules," he breathed, beaming up at him. Hercules was frozen in place, his head almost spinning.  
  
"Hey," he managed, "I brought the food."  
  
John's eyes widened. "Oh, right! Yeah, I forgot, just put it on the counter, I'll be right back."  
  
"Alright," Hercules mumbled as John dashed back into his room. He took all the boxes with the food he picked up out of the bag, along with a tupperware container of the fettuccine alfredo he saved.  
  
"That's so much food," John commented as he came back in the room. There was water splashed across his face, hair now tied back in a bun.  
  
"Yeah, I said I'd bring lunch, not a light snack. I know what I'm doing."    
  
"Amazing," John whispered, and Hercules smiled to himself.  
  
They ate in relative silence, John clicking through shows on his Netflix list, pausing in between bites of his salad and pasta to thank Hercules again. When he got to the grilled cheese sandwich, he moaned out loud, and Hercules snorted.  
  
"I imagine you're okay with my choice in food?"  
  
John cried out. "I'm in love," He screamed, and then grabbed one half of the sandwich, practically inhaling it as he went. Oh yes, the man Hercules loved above mostly everything else, his light.  
  
"I'm glad," Hercules grinned, and John looked over at him mid-bite. He set the grilled cheese back down in the box and set it on the coffee table, swallowing and clearing his throat.  
  
"I actually invited you here because I wanted to talk to you about something. I invited you here because I like spending time with you, don't get me wrong, but also I have to talk to you about something."  
  
Hercules set his food down. "Okay?"  
  
"I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a while now, but I never really figured out how to do it. Then Alex came over last night and once he laid out a clear cut plan, which by now I've forgotten, I realized it actually wouldn't be that difficult. Difficult to tell you, yeah, but difficult to understand, no."  
  
"What are you talking about? I'm kind of concerned."  
  
"I love you. I've loved you for a while now, and I know you're asexual and that I talk about sex _a lot_ , but I wanted to tell you that I don't need to have sex with you to love you. I would love you no matter what. I _do_ love you no matter what."  
  
"John, oh my god."  
  
"I'm sorry if I made this weird, or if I shouldn't have brought up sex to start out with. Like I said, I've forgotten the plan, and I'm just kind of winging it. I'm sorry."  
  
Hercules laughed. "No, no you're fine. I'm glad you got it out of the way first, so it wouldn't be an elephant in the room later."  
  
"Later? There's going to be a later?" John asked sitting up on his knees.  
  
"I mean, I hope so. I fell in love with you a long time ago, John, since before you were even with Alex."  
  
"Really? That was almost a year ago, how did you manage? I talked to you about Alex so much, I would've killed me if I were you."  
  
"Because I look at you," he explained, "and I know that just getting to know you is alright, even if you never loved me back. Apparently, though, you do, and that's probably the best thing I've ever heard in my entire life, oh my _god_ ."  
  
"I still want to talk, though, because I know you've mentioned your boundaries before, when you dated that guy in November and he kept trying to initiate things so you broke up with him."  
  
"He was dreadful."  
  
"Right, and I don't want to be dreadful. I want to love you and I want you to feel comfortable being with me and knowing that I'm never going to disrespect your boundaries, because I care and I do love you. Fuck, I love you so much."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
John beamed, cleared his throat. "So, I was wondering if you'd tell me about your boundaries, that way I can learn them and know right off the bat what you're okay with and what you're not."  
  
"The word boundaries doesn't seem real anymore."  
  
"I know, but they're important."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Explaining his boundaries to John was easier than he thought it would be. Hercules knew that John would be understanding, but he still expected some kind of negative reaction. Whether it be a frown or a deflated sigh, Hercules didn't know, but he was elated when John sat next to him, eyes wide as he listened, nodded, smiled when Hercules did. He seemed to be okay with the fact that Hercules didn't like having sex, that mostly everything else was okay except he didn't like making out with people in public, but other gestures of PDA he was mostly okay with.  
  
"Okay, thank you for telling me."  
  
"Thank you for caring enough to listen."  
  
"It's not, I shouldn't have to care enough , it's just being a person. You shouldn't have to thank me for it."  
  
"Still."  
  
John looked down at his lap. "Can I kiss you?"  
  
"Of course." 

John's lips were soft and tasted like grape soda. It was everything Hercules dreamed about as he held John's face in his hands, grazing over the sharp corner of his jaw with his thumb. Hercules loved him so much, it felt like his heart was going to beat out his chest. John's hands came up to rest on his neck, and he worried that John could feel how fast his pulse was.  
  
Hercules pulled away first. "Do you want to sit on my lap, maybe? I like kissing you, but my legs are falling asleep sitting like this."  
  
"Yeah, oh my god, of course."  
  
"Just as long as you know it won't-"  
  
"I know, and I'm okay with it."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too!" John responded, then moved to sit in Hercules' lap.  
  
He was a welcome weight, hands shaky as they took Hercules' face in his hands. This was no different than what they were doing before, but now they were in closer proximity, and it felt different. It felt nice, to be this close to him, and it felt even better when John leaned down to kiss him. His hands were linked at the back of Hercules' neck, pulling him closer and Hercules was all too happy to move with him.  
  
Someone barged into John's apartment and screamed. John pulled away but didn't get off of his lap and Hercules was too dazed for a moment to do anything. When his head cleared, he turned to find Alex, blushing bright red, hands flailing.  
  
"I thought you were phone fucking Laf today?" John said and Hercules wanted to die.  
  
"I was," he answered, slow, "but we're taking a _break_ right now and I'm supposed to be eating. Then I remembered we ordered food yesterday and I left mine here, and I'm not spending _more_ money on food when I could just drop by and get it, but it seems that I'm," he hesitated, "interrupting something."  
  
"Only a little bit," Hercules assured, and John smiled. He loved John's smile, wanted to see him do it a thousand more times.  
  
"So uh, how long has this been happening?" He picked at his fingernails and John burst out laughing, so infectious that Hercules found himself laughing too. "What?" Alex asked, and John just laughed harder.  
  
"It's, you, I'm," he tried, but he just cackled even louder.  
  
"Absolutely rude?" Alex closed the door before bursting back in, taking his food out of the fridge and leaving again.  
  
"He's not gonna stop asking," Hercules whispered, pressing a quick kiss to his neck.  
  
John grinned, kissed him again. "I know."  
  
"What do we tell him?"  
  
"Nothing he doesn't need to know." John chuckled and Hercules shrugged.  
  
"I'm okay with that."  
  
"Wanna go to my room and sleep?"  
  
"Lead the way." 

**Author's Note:**

> im m so!! upset bc this is bad


End file.
